It’s not that I hate Michael Moore. I don’t hate Michael Moore!!! If you need me, I’m almost always hanging out on the side of some self-righteous, ultra-liberal nerd. Plus, it’s sweet how he and Megyn Kelly get along.
But at this moment, I am exceedingly irritated with Michael Moore, and also with America for proving Michael Moore right. Because while I was curled up in a ball crying at the dawn’s early light, he was fully upright, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, already posting Facebook told-ya-so instructions on what to do next!
I don’t think we should let him lead our morning-after meeting, fellow progressives! (And yes, I know it’s already early evening. This has been a really hard day to get the hang of.) He might be right, but he is way too self-satisfied and over-prepared for me right now.
I see you all, dear Facebook friends, frantically asking yourselves, asking each other: what do we do now? Well, we’re democratic, egalitarian types, right? We need a good, old-fashioned Brainstorm Session is what we need! Now, remember: there are no stupid ideas in a Brainstorm Session. Especially the desperate kind.
I’ll start! Here are the first 15 rapid-fire thoughts that storm into my brain, unedited*:
- Find sand. Insert head. Begin to asphyxiate.
- Finally get into punk rock! As a Facebook friend predicted last night, it’s bound to have a renaissance over the next four to eight years. You’re never too old!!!
- Call up Susan Sarandon. Get directions to that revo-damn-lution.
- Blow up yer TV!
- Throw away yer paper!
- Eat yer phone and let it, and all the Facebook friends you now have to unfriend slowly corrode in that gurgling pit of bile blistering unpleasantly in yer belly!
- Ok, if you’re referencing John Prine, you’re too old to get into punk rock.
- Damnit I got nothing here.
- No! That is THE WRONG ATTITUDE!!!
- Pull head out of sand, cough frantically.
- Keep sense of humor.
- Keep sense of compassion.
- Keep your voice.
- Unite it to others, and to action.
- Never stop wondering, and figuring out, what the hell you even mean by that.
Take heart, be brave. This is really our nation. It really is. We need to take a good, long, hard look at it. And then start acting like we have a much bigger problem than we originally thought.
Even if Smuggy McSmugcap Michael Moore told us so.
*Just kidding! This was really hard, and took me at least an hour and a half.