Listicles

Our 2-year-old’s daily “To Do” list

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Get thee hence.

While looking at some photos of when our now two-year-old son was still a wee babe, and our daughter was the two-year-old, I was immediately struck by the number of fragile, decorative items still on display in our home. These items are now in closets. On topmost shelves. In locked rooms. Along with most items in general. Before even walking, our son had already figured out how to push a chair to the kitchen table and climb aboard.

He’s a busy, busy man-cub, and he commands grudging respect even as he shreds the last placid fiber left in the old maternal nervous system.

What’s his secret? Well, we at SAHMurai attempted an interview, but receiving only “Meow?” “WEEEEE!,” and “Blah!” in response, the transcript was less than illuminating.

My guess? It all comes down to having a strategic game-plan. You have to set clear goals, both long-term and short, and stick to them. The boy is tenacious, if nothing else. And thorough. Here’s what I imagine to be…

Our Two-year-old’s Daily “To Do” List:

1. Not wear pants.

2. Find way onto bathroom counter, and quietly suck ALL the kid’s toothpaste out of the tube.

SAMSUNG CSC

How? They were screwed in.

3. Somehow liberate ventilation grills from all doors and walls despite not being able to even competently use a fork. Once achieved, crawl through vent-grill-shaped fissure head-first into room full of things parents keep locked away. (Never allow them to see you do this, so methods cannot be detected.)

4. When on front bike seat, ring bicycle bell at random strangers. When they look, shout “BOOP!” at them triumphantly.

5. Jump in every puddle.

6. Chase every pigeon.

7. Throw things down apartment staircase and/or over edge of balcony. (Which things? ALL THE THINGS. Aim for at least one of each thing.)

8. Slam every door.

9. Take at least two baths.

10. Trick Momma into opening bananas, which you have no intention of eating.

11. Extract steel spatula (ladle will do) from kitchen drawer and beat the living sh*t out of heating boiler. When opposed, flee pantlessly with spatula, shrieking with glee. (Before inevitable capture, thump sister on head.) Repeat until drawer is emptied of steel utensils

12. Remove and disperse marker caps.

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All is forgiven.

13. Find coins and insert into crevices, especially on electronics such as area fans, CD players, and desktop computers.

14. To maintain Momma morale (use in times of great emergency), crawl into lap, kiss lips, lay head on shoulder, and say, “Hallo, Momma….”

15. Watch Pingu.

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