breastfeeding / politics

Thank you, Rep. Moore, for guarding my chastity


Josh Moore

When I read that this gentleman pictured above, New Hampshire State Rep. Josh Moore (R), defends the “natural inclination” of men to stare at and grab a breastfeeding mother’s nipple if she dares to feed her baby in public, I was shocked.

I mean, after a four straight years of either pregnancy or breastfeeding (or both), I had completely forgotten that nipples are considered erotic. Whoops! All this time I’ve been using them for my own silly, womanish purposes, which in all things come second to the true designs dictated by even the basest impulses of heterosexual men.

Thank you, Rep. Moore, for reminding me that the primary purpose of all those lactiferous ducts suspended in adipose tissue is for squeezing.

And, thanks for having “more respect for a woman and her innocence and her decency” than I or my libertine babies have. Can you believe that during those early months as a new mother, while navigating the most physically and emotionally harrowing (not to mention, socially isolating) change of my life, I had the gall to actually leave my house for more than one hour at a time? As though I had the right… Or that my ungracious infant actually demanded MILK before I could safely conceal my sexboobs in shameful solitude? I truly forgot myself there.

Maybe that’s because I was in Belgium, where apparently nobody has enough regard for my innocence or decency to put me in my rightful place. I mean, people let me breastfeed here in restaurants, cafés, public parks, trains, the City Hall waiting area, and even in church during Holy Mass.

And most of the time, I didn’t even cover my baby’s nursing face with a cloth! Get this: in my impudence, I didn’t even want to, especially since my babies were licentious enough to refuse to nurse well when they were covered by a hot, stuffy dark cloth and unable to meanwhile stare at my eyes and poke at my chin with their tiny, newborn fingers.

What a disgusting sight we must have been.

Hmmm. You know, that’s funny. I don’t recall hordes of leering men, and I never once had to defend myself from anyone (other than my baby) attempting to grab my nipple. I can only conclude that Belgians are the real miscreants. I mean, what kind of unnatural deviants would simply carry on with their lives in the face of such brazen impropriety?

Unfortunately, it turns out that the proposed New Hampshire bill making it a misdemeanor for women to expose their nipples in public already exempts breastfeeding women! In fact, if not for Democratic State Rep. Amanda Bouldin’s oversight, you might never have impulsively responded to her social media comment, and the world might never know what a fine defender of women’s honor you are. And that’s why I love Facebook.

You must have accidentally deleted it afterwards. But, not to worry, thanks to a screen shot by Rep. Bouldin, as well as articles and blog posts, your noble legacy will ever be enshrined thus:

You’re welcome.

Hey, mommas — where’s the craziest place you’ve ever breast-fed?

4 thoughts on “Thank you, Rep. Moore, for guarding my chastity

  1. Titillating for sure seeing a tiny mouth suckling a sexboob. I understand Josh Moore's distress. Being a closeted perv in state legislature is tough because sometimes stupid shit just leaks out of your pie hole before you realize what a dumbass you are.

  2. “the basest impulses of heterosexual men.”

    Not to forget homosexual women, after all “boobs aren't for breastfeeding”.

  3. Thanks for this….I’m gearing up to be breastfeeding again but now on this side of the ocean away from the protective (or perverted?:o) Belgians. The craziest place I had to breastfeed was standing outside the US Embassy in Brussels in the pouring rain (with Chris my wonderful husband holding an umbrella) waiting to be allowed in to get said baby’s birth certificate. It was most likely filmed as there were security cameras everywhere haha.

    • Aw, what a very relatable image that is — standing in the rain, waiting to deal with administrative crap, with a baby. I sure hope our compatriots are kind enough to let your baby eat when and where he needs to!

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